Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
