My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
