dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
FUCK WHALES
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
