i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
