Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Someone came in the potted fern
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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