I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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