sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
