I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Found your dick twin last night
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
