WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
