Tell her she can't have a vagina
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
