Already got asked if we're dating
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
