Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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