I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
