My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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