he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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