How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
