i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think my moral compass just broke
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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