he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
