I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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