We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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