she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
