theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
