His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
