2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
