He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
