im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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