i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
