I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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