I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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