Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
