we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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