I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
