Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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