if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
