Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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