So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
