how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
