Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
