I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
