she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
