So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
