When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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