I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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