I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Two words: blizzard sex
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
