Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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