we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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