so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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