I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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