I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
