4 words: hood of his car
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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