everyone is single if you try hard enough
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
