Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
