i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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