there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
