so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
