I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
