Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
