Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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