I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just gift wrapped bread.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
