and you said cock pushups were impossible
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
